By "shower" do you mean "Hell on Earth?"

We are joining forces for this post on a topic that concerns us both: human showering. Everyday our owners participate in this sick, sado-masochistic ritual and we just don't understand it. Do you all do this, or should we attempt to get them help somewhere? Is there a "Showerers Anonymous."

Let us describe our concerns:

They get up, feed us, eat, and do the usual morning wake up activities and then they head to the bathroom. First, they remove all their fur, which if you ask us is just wrong in the first place. Then, they enter the shower. This is where it gets really freaked up. They turn a knob and water...yes WATER comes out of this nozzle thing at the top of the shower!!! Then they just stand there for what seems like forever! Are they frozen with fear? Pain? Worse?

Why would you subject yourselves to this horror? Who wants to be all wet? I mean they don't get a little drizzle-that freakin' water is ALL OVER THEM! Honestly, we don't know how they survive it day after day!

We've tried to help them when they're in there. Bucket often sits on the edge of the tub calling out to see if she can help. Wick on the other hand is usually just too horrified to act. She normally just sits on the nearby countertop frozen with fear. But, they never want our help. In fact, more than once they have pushed Bucket off the edge and told her to leave.

And they always emerge from the shower so calmly. They try to act like nothing has happened. Or worse yet, sometimes they actually seem happy, even more happy than when they went in! I'm sure that's just our imagination playing tricks on us.

So, please be honest with us, is it hopeless? Are our owners perverted freaks? Do we need to find new homes? Or are all you humans as sick as this?

Okay, signing off now. We both have some fur to lick with our tongues.

-Wick and Bucket

Apparently We're Not Eligible for the Writer's Strike...!?

So, Long Femurs and HugsALot told me today that Wick and I can't be eligible for the Hollywood writer's strike. I don't really understand why. After all, we're famous and we write. What more do we need to be eligible? I'm pretty sure this is some sort of conspiracy against us kitties and I should probably call my union rep or lawyer or...somebody like that.

I mean, it's hard work being a kitty and we get very little compensation for it. Okay, we get a seemingly endless supply of goo and crunch, a safe comfy place to sleep, fun toys to play with, a little love now and then, our toilets "flushed" for us, and stuff like that, but that's totally it! I mean where's the reward for what we do?!

What do we do, you may ask. Well, who would hold the blankets down on your bed when you're not there if it wasn't for kitties? That picture at the top of this post - that is HARD work being done there! Who would soak up the important stuff from the sunbeams that come in the windows when you're gone at "work" all day? Do you think the house would decorate itself with all that cat hair? And, don't even get me started on the security services we provide against bugs, plastic bags, and assorted pieces of paper that congregate on the counters. Where would you humans get all of these things taken care of if it wasn't for us? Hmm? Oh you wouldn't, huh? That's what I thought!

So, next time you hear about that writers strike, you better think of all those hardworking kitties in your homes. Cuz' it's totally the same exploitation baby! Pay up, opposable thumbs, pay up!

-Bucket

And I Thought Today was Going to be Good.

So, I woke up all happy and content on my bed today. One of the owners (Long Femurs) had already left for what they call "work" and the other (HugsALot) was still asleep. Well, she was for a moment. Suddenly she jumped noisily from bed, yelling something about "oversleeping." I have never understood this word, however, so I ignored her and continued with my nap.

I quickly discovered that this was not the best idea, though. After clunking loudly around the apartment for several minutes HugsALot came back into the room with a very strange tone in her voice. I knew this tone! This is one of the most feared tones in a cat's life! This is the tone owners use when they know they're about to do something a cat doesn't like! And boy was I right, because what should emerge from behind my owners back but....THE CAGE!

Oh god, I thought. How might I escape?! But, it was too late. HugsALot had gotten smarter this time and closed the door behind her when entering the room. There would be no chance at a prolonging chase around the apartment.

I had no choice but to disapprovingly enter the cage. I did continue to make my arguments heard all the way through the complex hallways, down to the car, and across town. But, she would have none of it. We were going somewhere and there was little I could do.

Oh, but it wasn't just anywhere that we were headed - it was the Torturers office! True, it was a new Torturer (We just moved to a new town and by the way, that was a world of fun, too! Don't get me started!) but, it was the same old torture. Squeeze the middle, poke the eyes, thing in the ear, weight your fear, finger in the mouth, and then the worst...the needles! Dammit-three of them this time! I never know what I do to deserve this, but man it must be bad! It's like interrogation torture, but I never understand why they don't ask me any questions.

So, after this HugsALot and the Torturer talk for what seems like forever. 'Hello, pissed off cat here that wants to go home!' Eventually, I am taken back to my comfortable and safe home. Along the way, HugsALot tries to tell me something about this experience being for my own good, but frankly I just think this is psychological sadism! My own good!? Well, did you know it's for your own good that I'm clawing up the new couch? Yeah, I'm marking the territory so that enemy cats don't come in and kill us in our sleep. When are you gonna understand that?

Once I was home the rest of the day wasn't too bad. I slept a lot and actually even Bucket was nice to me. She understands the trauma. She knows. I've heard her stories of horror. Some of them are worse than mine. ~Shudder~ Once I finally awoke, we just noted the experience together and will try to figure out a new plan of attack for escaping next time. I just wish I could understand who is benefiting from this sick ritual.

-Wick